September 25, 2009
One Dad at a Time
by Bonehead
Just wanted to come out and state – that this website has made the decision to not devote any space to the recent horrific revelations by Mackenzie Phillips, stating that she engaged in incestuous relations with her father. Bad enough he introduced her to heroin, but shit, the rest is simply out of my realm of understanding – and frankly too fucking sick for me to even joke about.
The way I see it, not that anyone cares, is that she’s trying to sell a book, John Phillips is dead and buried since 2001, so without a rebuttal, we’ll never actually know the true story. Then let’s just let it pass.
I think it’s more important that we spend this time talking about her TV sister Valerie Bertinelli. 
Ya know she’s been doing the Jenny Craig thing – and had her bikini photo shoot a few months ago. She sure made the old chubby spokes-celebrity Kirstie Allie look like a mound of flabby pancakes in comparison! Valerie looked terrific – makes you want to shout loudly “You go girl”. You should do the shouting because every time I shout it Chrissy smacks me upside my white head with a shoe. What the fuck is it with black women and shoes?
Many years ago – I had a teenage boy “thing” for Valerie. Guess it was a ‘70’s sort of thing. Most boys were busy ogling Farrah, Jacqueline, Linda or Fred Travalena – me, I liked Valerie. Yup, I thought old Schnieder was the luckiest guy on TV – getting to barge in on the girls while they were showering to fix the pipes. In my teenage imagination, even then I knew that Mackenzie was probably holed up in a closet somewhere strung out on smack or something, leaving Valerie alone to be chased around the apartment wearing nothing but a towel.
Then a few years later she goes and hooks up with guitar hero Eddie Van Halen. How cool is that? Turns out though as time goes on, we all age, learn Eddie is a drop dead drunk and Valerie develops an unnatural fancy for Twinkies and Ho Ho’s.
Like the strong minded women she is – she drops Eddie like a Led Balloon and gives up the sweets. Then she replaces the ever expanding Kirstie as the Jenny Craig spokesperson, next thing you know she’s dropped several dress sizes and is once again fabulous!
For a cougar.
Bonnie Franklin always bugged me – I hated that stupid 70’s bob haircut. I always get her confused with Blair Brown who’s on that Fox show Fringe now – which is pretty cool. Her haircut sucks too.
The views expressed therein are solely those of the author and not necessary the views of this website.
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Hey Bonehead-
Can your blog section be used for advice, like Dear Abby? I imagine you’re not half as sexy as she was, but it seems like you’d be good at giving advice… Let’s try it out and see…
Dear Bonehead,
I’m putting on weight at an incredible rate. It’s my belly I hate, and I can’t find a date. My shirts are not straight, and I’m big as a gate. Could this be my fate, to blow up like Kate, and regret what I ate? TRAIT!! BAIT!! MATE!! NATE!!
Please disregard that. My Rhyming Tourette Syndrome just kicked in.
The truth is, I’m gaining weight faster than ever. I decided it’s time to start exercising, but I don’t fit into any of my shorts or sweatpants. I’m afraid if I go out and buy new workout clothes, I’ll lose the weight and they will be too big to wear anymore. Should I give up on the idea of exercise, and keep the top button of my pants undone for life? Please give me some advice.
Signed,
The Dad who wears Motherhood Maternity Jeans
Dear Fat Ass –
I’m not really experienced at dispensing advice like Dear Abby, typically I dispense booze and offensive remarks, but I’ll give your problem a shot. Here goes, first, see if you can drop that deep fried butter stick long enough to wrap your swollen sausage fingers around your mouse long enough to point it to my thoughts on exercise…
http://boneheadreview.blogspot.com/2009/09/yoga.html
Well, on second thought, since your gut is so big, maybe Yoga isn’t really the right idea for you.
Obviously you can’t keep your pie hole closed long enough to slow the constant intake of Little Debbie cakes and triple cheeseburgers so my advice is to get yourself out to your closest Bed Bath and Beyond while you still have the ability to get around without a crane. Find some nice king size sheets and get yourself several nice colors. I’d recommend darker sheets since they’re good at hiding food stains from the rare morsels that miss your mouth.
Ditch the maternity jeans and simply wrap the sheets around your bulbous self like a toga and feel free to enjoy a life of free eatin’ without the annoying discomfort of pants digging into your ever expanding waist.
Hope that helps!
Bonehead
Mmm. Triple Cheeseburgers.
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She’s large and brash, even a bit goofy sometimes, but I like her openness and straight talk. Certainly, shes’s attempting to make a come back with the series The Large Life? And certainly, she is also plugging her weight loss program, but then which TV program does not plug one thing or the other. So what do you think of her new program?